Oct 22 2010


Lara opened the door with a sort of sinking feeling best described by comparing it to the kind of feeling you get when you realize the bungee cord attached to your legs is, in fact, a piece of barbed wire.  You know the one; very nasty indeed.

The door was pushed inward almost immediately and a very thin woman thrust a suitcase and a sopping wet umbrella into Lara’s stomach.  Lara scrambled to hold them before they fell onto her bare feet, but her mother paid no notice.  She stomped into the house and placed her boney fingers on her angular hips, “Is that all the welcome I get, then?”

Lara sighed (but only inwardly as outward sighs around her mother were a sure way to get a severe hissy fit), and placed her mother’s luggage on the ground.  ”Hello, mother,” she said, managing to sound marginally happy, though she wasn’t.

Mrs. Franklin was a severe woman in every sense of the word.  From her eyebrows, which weren’t really eyebrows but lines painted on with a dark pencil in a large and scary arch; to her collar bones, which looked as if a coat hanger was trying to escape from her skin; to her ankles, which looked so sharp that it was amazing they didn’t cut right through her pant legs.  That was to say nothing of her personality.

“Well?”  Mrs. Franklin said, doing her best to look hurt, neglected, and pitiful all at once.  This translated into a very twisted and ugly expression that Lara knew all to well.  ”Your sister would have already told me where I could find my supper, but I guess I shouldn’t expect too much of you.  You are only a waitress after all.”  She smiled as if this were the kindest thing she knew how to say.

Lara, used to this sort of talk ignored the quip.  ”Well, I just ordered in Chinese food tonight, but I have some leftover…”

“Leftover?”  Mrs. Franklin shuddered and pulled her cardigan (something from Holt no doubt) more securely around her pointy shoulders.  ”You would feed your mother leftovers?  God knows I’ve already suffered through plane food and I had to take a taxi here and the driver was some curry eater for sure, the stench was unbelievable!”

Lara spoke up to cut her mother’s racist remarks short.  ”Of course you’re right, mother.  I’ll pop in a lasagne for you.”

Mrs. Franklin’s fake eyebrows went up about an inch reminding Lara of a creepy clown.  ”A frozen one?”



That was all she said, “oh,” but Lara knew what that “oh” meant.  That “oh” meant “You’re a terrible daughter, why can’t you be more like your sister who used to whip up homemade organic meals at the snap of my finger?  Why did she have to die and not you?  Don’t you know what a terrible daughter you are?  I’ve already suffered so much what with the loss of your father and now your sister, can’t you make me something I want to eat?”

Lara chose to ignore the unspoken words and walked to her kitchen to throw the frozen lasagne in her stove.

Now, you may say, “Oh no, there is no way her mother thought all that.”  Well, in some nicer stories, you might be right, but in this case you are dead wrong.  Lara’s mother really did think all of those things, in fact, she had said all of them to her daughter at one point or another.

Mrs. Franklin followed her daughter into the kitchen and scrunched her nose up.  The kitchen was in need of a good cleaning with dishes on the counter and spots on the floor, and what was more, Lara’s kitchen was old.  She still had the original cabinets from the ’70’s in there and the linoleum had been put in sometime in the nineties.

“This is dingier than I remember it being,” Mrs. Franklin said as she took a seat.  ”Maybe that’s because the last time I was here your sister brightened the place up.  And she was tidy.”

“Cup of tea?”  Lara said, attempting to change the subject.

Her mother barely broke stride, “Yes dear.  Sweet and Low.  But then again, your sister was the ambitious one.  Doctorate, family, vacation house.  I suppose I can’t expect too much out of you. You are only a waitress after all.”

Lara made the tea and didn’t even bother to mention that she was, in fact, the head waitress at Bellissima Venezia, the most prestigious restaurant along the waterfront of Victoria and the only reason why she wasn’t spending the money was that she was too depressed about her sister’s death to think about it yet.

Most people would hate their sisters if their mothers showed so much favouritism, but Lara loved Nadia.  Nadia made her feel loved and special.  Without Nadia she just went back to plain old boring Lara.

…”You know that no one is ever looking out for me, Lara.  Ever since your father died I’ve been all alone, and I don’t think anyone understands me at all!”

Lara had tuned her mother’s words out, but she came back to them now with a crushing familiarity.  Her mother had been using the same old “no one understands me” speech for years to get whatever she wanted.  She’d used it on Mr. Franklin to get bigger diamonds, pretty dresses, and permission to act in films, and she’d used it on both her daughters to guilt them into staying home from parties and giving up boyfriends.

Lara knew her mother wanted something once again, and so she knew what her next question to her mother had to be: “How long are you planing on staying for, mother?”

To which the reply was, “Oh, I don’t know.  Just for a while.”

This was not a good sign.


In the cold and utterly unforgiving vacuum of space (not to be confused with the highly commercialized Vac-Ur-Space cleaner that is a common household object throughout most of the universe) there was a ship.

On this ship there was another life form that earthlings would refer to as a little green man.  In fact, this life form was neither little, nor green, but as it originated from a planet other than earth, those ignorant fools would label him that anyhow.  This life form was remarkably like a human being in every way except for one.  In his mind there was no greater thing in the entire universe than stones.

He was a stone expert and he was currently on a mission as laid out by one stone he found on a morning walk two weeks previously.

Many lesser life forms would call this idiotic.  The life form, however, and the stone, knew much better.  After all, they weren’t a member of a planet scheduled to be destroyed for a hyperspace expressway, which meant that they at least had the good sense not to tick off the rest of the universe by either claiming no other intelligent life could exist or simply claiming they all lived on a silly little planet named Mars.

There were of course no people living on Mars.  Everyone knows the centre of Mars is one of the best Core Prison Planets (or CPPs) ever built.  The mere fact that earthlings are looking for life on the surface of the planet and are totally unaware of the dangers awaiting them in the core of the planet proves that the planet earth really ought to be destroyed.


…To be continued next month!

Oct 10 2010

Pork and Pie

I know I owe you a new instalment of ITAAOAP, and I promise you it’s on the way, just got to digest all the pork and pie I’ve eaten first.

Stay tuned.

Embrace Truth,

Kayleigh E. Suggett

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