Mar 20 2011

MCW: ITAAOAP 1.6

And so he picked it up, put it in the pocket of his coat, and headed over to the observatory where his twin brother, Rhett, worked as a rock expert.  Rhett was revered on Jarisitus 10 and had carved himself a very respectable career analyzing and writing reports on rocks and the reasons why they decided to die.

Rune, crippled by his SSS, had never been revered for anything.  It was also why Rune hadn’t bothered to try to impress a woman, find a career to speak of, and why he rarely bothered with personal hygiene.  There really was no point in trying to do anything of use at all, because as soon as he did, that bad case of SSS kicked him square in the balls.  And that, as most men will tell you, is not a pleasant sensation at all.

Just last week Rune decided he wanted to put on a tie and shave his chin to impress the rather homely cashier at his local mart.  He ended up on the floor in pain, holding his groin.  SSS, anyone can tell you, is not something to be messed with.

So it was that Rune rushed to his brother’s lab and found him sitting back in a chair, squinting at a particularly lovely specimen of rock, and scratching his strong jaw line.  Rhett and Rune were unidentical twins.  They had come from the same egg, that was for sure, but for some reason twins on Jarisitus 10 never came out identical.

Rhett, being the first born by a full minute and a half, had received favour.  He was tall, broad shouldered, muscular, and had naturally good eyesight.  His hair dried in a pleasing style, he never got pimples, and his voice was deep and sexy.

Rune, the poor fellow, was not short per say, but he was definitely not tall like Rhett.  He was average height, scrawny in comparison to his brother, needed glasses, and had to fight his hair to keep it from looking like a rat’s nest.  His voice was nothing special, and he was known to get a good breakout of pimples now and again.  The one thing that could be said about Rune was that his eyes were a lovely shade of green.  But of course, they were nothing compared to the breathtaking shade of green of Rhett’s eyes.

“Rhett!”  Rune shouted, bounding into his brother’s lab.

Rhett didn’t stir, didn’t jump, didn’t acknowledge that the complete silence he had been sitting in had just been interrupted.

Rune slowed down and walked up to stand beside his brother.  “Rhett.”  He said again.

Rhett was focused on his rock and remained motionless like a statue.

Rune ran his fingers through his annoying hair in a restless motion and looked around him.  The lab was beautiful.  It was situated on the very top of a mountain and its walls were made of glass, meaning that there was a 360-degree view.  The tables and chairs were made of a high-quality clear material and so not even they impeded the view.

The rock that Rhett was studying was a thing of beauty as well.  It was purple and glossy and seemed to be illuminated from the inside.  Rune had never seen such a lovely rock before, and wondered where it was from.

He looked down at his own rock and seriously considered leaving the lab right that moment.  His rock was dull, drab, brown, dirty, and uneven in shape.  It was the kind of rock you walked past every day and paid no attention to.  It was not the kind of rock you brought to the rock expert to have examined.

However, it is a very good thing that at that moment, Rhett suddenly realized he needed a strong drink of Hulooga, because otherwise Rune would have backed out and thrown the rock away and thus the story would be over and you’d all be sorely disappointed.  I mean what kind of a story ends like that?

Unless you live on the very dull planet of Yubulastus Six and a Half you wouldn’t be caught dead reading such a story.  The inhabitants of Yubulastus Six and a Half spend most of their time coming up with riveting plots and then amusing themselves by finding a perfectly annoying way of killing said plot.  They are known throughout the universe as being the worst storytellers in the history of time.  They may have been the worst storytellers before time as well, but no one was really paying much attention back then.  But you can’t blame them, really, because it is hard to pay attention when there’s no time to do it in.

But, thankfully in our story, there is a drink called Hooligan and it saves the plot from going totally off-kilter and spiraling into something that not even your dog would want to read.  Assuming you have a dog.  If you don’t, well then insert your pet name instead.  And if you don’t have any pets at all I suggest going to the pet store and selecting one.  A nice fish perhaps?  You could name him “Bitey”.  No?  Then a plant at least.  I always wanted a nice ivy named “Chester” myself.

Once you’ve done that I can tell you all about Hulooga.

Hulooga is a blue drink derived from the fruit of the Huga trees.  It is served chilled or steaming hot and produces the pleasing effect of numbing anything unpleasant.

“Hulooga!”  Rhett called.

His assistant came rushing from her desk, which was situated halfway across the room.  It was far enough away that the clacking of her computer keys wouldn’t annoy Rhett, but close enough that she could be at his side in a matter of seconds.

Rune stood there with a goofy grin on his face as the assistant took Rhett’s specific order.  In case he decided to forget about his SSS and actually say something to the attractive assistant, however, his brain calmly reminded him that his pants were brown with mud, soggy with dew, and that his shirt was untucked and sticking to him with perspiration.  Rune’s goofy smile vanished and he took a seat with a heavy sigh.  He’d never have a figgle of a dwillop with Rhett’s assistant as they said on Jarisitus 10; though he’d settle for even have a figgle or even the hint of a dwillop with the likes of her.

Rhett’s assistant was enough reason to want to be the rock expert on Jarisitus 10.  Her name was Nivo and she was the most beautiful woman on the planet.  Seriously.  The people on Jarisitus 10 didn’t muck around with rating things.  Just like everyone knew that Rhett was the rock expert, everyone knew that Nivo was the most beautiful woman on the planet.  These were not mere figures of speech like the kind used on other planets to attempt to describe things (though the description is often more confusing than helpful because no uniform system of rating exists).  No, on Jarisitus everyone knew where they stood and Nivo stood very highly above all the other women, event those with fake parts.

Nivo touched Rhett on the shoulder about fifty times while taking his order, ran her fingers through his hair before leaving to get his order, and then made quite the show of leaning over his desk to place his steaming cup of Hulooga down.  Rhett seemed only half aware of her presence and Rune had a mind to hit him square in the balls – see how he liked it for a change.

“I assume you have a reason for being here other than to make my lab dirty?”  Rhett said in a bored voice.

Rune nodded.  “Yeah, you dingus.  I do.”  Rhett may have been the rock expert of the planet, but he was still Rune’s brother, which meant he was entitled to insult him frequently and in increasingly creative ways.

“So?  What is it?”

“It,” said Rune, feeling like for once he was going to do something worthwhile, “is the most amazing rock you’ll ever see!”  He finished with a triumphant flourish and tossed the rock onto the table.  He was feeling so full of pride at finally having something to show for himself…

That’s when the rock skidded off the table and promptly hit him in the balls.

“That’ll teach you!”  Rhett said.

Rune just turned purple and swore.


Mar 8 2011

MCW: ITAAOAP 1.5

So you wanted to know about the rock then?  It really isn’t that fascinating of a story, but I gather since you’re reading this you’ve really nothing better to do and thus you’ll just sit there and gladly read anything I tell you to read.  And then later when your friends ask you “what did you do last night?” you’ll lie and say that you hooked up with that large-breasted woman from your office.  You know they won’t believe you, but even if they don’t it’s better than admitting you wasted your night reading a story about a rock.

Now, you’ll recall at this point, I hope, that the earth woman named Lara Franklin lost her dear sister Nadia.  You’ll also recall that she has a rather horrible mother who loved Nadia much more than she ever loved Lara.

You should also recall that the planet earth is due to be blown up.  Six times.

In recalling that detail your mind, if it is functioning properly, should remind you that there is a man by the name of Rune traveling toward earth from the planet Jarisitus 10 with a rock in his possession.

If you can’t recall any of this I really would suggest your read the story again.  If you still can’t make heads or tails of it might I recommend a different story for you?  I always enjoyed Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss myself.

Anyhow, the story of the rock begins with that woman, Lara, when she was attending her sister’s funeral.  She stood over the lump of dirt that was so recently her sister and wondered what life had for her next.

Well any sane person should know that if you stand over a lump of dirt that was so recently a person and wonder what life has for you next, you’re asking for it.  It is in these times of irrational thought that a person can put the clearest signals out into the universe and be quite surprised by the answer.

This was definitely the case for Lara when she went ahead and asked a very silly question, “What now?”

Well, that silly question reverberated out from her vocal chords, caught on a particularly cold gust of wind, entangled itself in a few tree leaves for a while, broke free, got caught on a chocolate bar wrapping, fought it’s way out of that hell hole, and then managed to land on a small ray of sun.  It ran all the way up the ray of sun and then decided it wanted to mingle and party a bit in a few clouds.  The clouds condensed and turned to rain and the silly question had to go all the way back down to earth, where it spent months trying to escape the gutter.  Then a particularly warm day came along and up it went again – this time it made it all the way to the sun.

Now the sun is a peculiar object when seen from earth.  It looks all round and bright and pretty like a light bulb.  In reality the sun is rather unhappy with itself and thus it tries to explode on a regular basis, sending giant arcs of fire off into space.  One such arch had the silly question on it and this arc collided with a passing rock.  The rock was quite upset at the sun attacking it in such a rude manner and it decided it didn’t want to float in space anymore and so it fell onto the nearest planet it could find, which just so happened to be Jarisitus 10.

It went screaming through the atmosphere (not because it had to, simply because it wanted to) and then it went screaming through the sky and then, just because it had had quite enough of all the screaming and flying it had done, it decided to float around in the sky for a bit.  That idea didn’t last long, however, because it was struck from its lofty position by the ball of a man playing Gloggle Ball.

The poor rock, having had an utterly poor space day, fell to the ground, so depressed it decided to die.  (It is a little known fact that all rocks are alive until they decide to die, but the people on Jarisitus 10 were aware of this fact.)

When the man whose ball had hit the rock saw the rock fall, he ran to it’s side to see if he could convince it to live, but he was too late.  It had already decided to die, but before it did it was able to utter it’s last words, “Now what?”

The man scratched his head and scrunched up his eyebrows.  “Now what?”  He asked the rock.  It seemed a very odd thing for a rock to say, especially a dead one.

The rock just sat there like a good dead rock ought to, leaving the man bent down on his knees wondering just what could have possessed the rock to ask such a deep question on such a lovely day.

The man (we know him as Rune), simply said, “Oh drat!”

Now we know that the man’s name is Rune, simply because this is one of those stories where the narrator goes back into the past when they already told you what happened in the future, kind of like that really popular movie starring Michael J. Fox.

We also know that the planet was called Jarisitus 10.  But not everyone called it that. The truly unimaginative folks at NASA had given it some sort of name with a lot of numbers and silly letters that no one could remember, not even a rocket scientist (and that was saying something, because a rocket scientist came up with the name to begin with, but he had apparently had too much to drink the night before and was trying to remember the phone number of a rather pretty girl).

But the people on the planet simply called it Jarisitus 10.  It was a good simple name for a planet, and a good, solid number too.  Only a fool would ask about Jarisitus 1-9, because of course, there were no Jarisitus 1-9.  No, it was just decided, that for the sake of solidity and a feeling that all was right with the world that a good solid number was needed.  And they settled on 10.

A lot of people believe that if more people simply added numbers to the ends of their planet names, there would be a lot less paranoia and general unhappiness in those worlds.

A lot of other people claimed the number had nothing to do with anything, and it all came down to whether or not the people on your planet believed in such things to begin with or whether they were all self-involved pessimists.

Of course the pessimists held fast to the idea that none of it mattered and it was a waste of time to bring up such questions anyhow.

But in any event, the man that found the rock lived on a planet with the number 10 in the name and whether or not that made a difference to him, he cared about the rock and it’s perplexing message.

He sat there in the soggy ground for quite some time (Jarisitus 10 was a rather rainy planet, and the ground was often soggy) trying to figure out what on earth would make a rock say such a thing.  It was the kind of thing that Rune might imagine himself saying after he had burned his morning dew drink, undercooked his omelet of Juju eggs, stubbed his toe, ripped his slippers, fallen down the stairs, and discovered he had a nasty finger cold.  It was not, quite frankly, something that a rock should be saying.

He knew that only one man could help him.  The man he both loathed and loved.  The very reason for his SSS, his elder brother, Rhett.

To be continued…

“Listen.  It’s a tough universe.  There’s all sorts of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, everything.  If you’re going to survive out there, you’ve really got to know where your towel is.” –Ford Prefect, in Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.


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