Apr 20 2011

MCW: ITAAOAP 1.7

Where on earth did we last leave Lara?  I must apologize, as a narrator, for loosing track of one of our main characters.  Terribly inconvenient I know, but sometimes it is so hard to keep track of these things.  I mean, you try being a narrator!  There is all this mucking about with people’s feelings and whereabouts, and the entire time you have to keep in the back of your head “where is this going?”  ”what does it mean” “where did this come from” and on top of that you’re also wondering how that stain got on your shirt.  Then you realize that was the stain from that terrible fancy dress party you were forced to attend to impress that attractive member of the opposite sex at which you drank way too much and threw up on yourself.  And you ask yourself why you bothered to keep the shirt and that’s precisely when you realize you’ve lost track of one of your main characters.

But it’s not all bad.  I did, you will remember, keep pretty good track of Rune and Rhett.  And I even remembered to tell you about where the rock came from.  I didn’t forget the rock.  That, as you will recall, is quite important.  Perhaps much more important than this Lara earthling when push comes to shove, but then again I must remember I am speaking to the human race, an entirely self-involved species that could care less about the fate of a poor innocent rock.

Lara was, I believe off to work when we last spoke about her.  Well since then she’s had time to have an utterly horrible night at work (where a toddler threw french fries at her which she later had to dig out of her cleavage, an old man tried to look up her skirt, a middle aged woman told her she’d never amount to anything if she ran her life the way she ran her restaurant, and her best server quit), and even more horrible evening back home with her mother (who is, if you will recall fairly nasty.  Not as nasty as some human beings, we’ll give her credit for that, but much nastier than others.  Then again comparisons are odious.  Or was that odorous?  Either way I suppose.).  She’d also had time to wake up extra early and sneak out of the house to be with her boyfriend for a while, thinking this might lift her spirits.

It didn’t.

It happened like this:

Lara woke herself up in the pre-dawn light and proceeded to stub her toe on her nightstand in her drowsy stupor.  It bled enough that she had to fumble around in the medicine cabinet in the dark for a bandaid in order to not wake her mother.  Then she put her shirt on inside out and threw on a pair of yoga pants.  She managed to make it out the door without a fuss and then slid behind the wheel of her car.  She turned the key in the ignition and the gas light went on, which meant she would have to stop somewhere in the chilly morning (it was raining too of course) for gas before she even got to Pallav’s house.

So she stopped for gas, and as she was shivering in the cold under the harsh lights of the gas bar she realized that she had put her shift on inside-out but could think of no decent way of correcting her error so she simply hoped Pallav wouldn’t notice.  After all men weren’t supposed to notice things like that were they?  But it never worked out that way.  Men, it seemed, were doomed, or at least earth men were.

A very prominent scientist on the planet Noseritous (a planet that takes an almost unhealthy interest in every other planet in the universe, and therefore a rather good source when one wants information, but not entirely reliable.  They do have a bad habit of gossiping) did a study some hundreds of years ago on the human male brain to find out that most men are simply out to destroy themselves in every way possible and yet they don’t even realize it.

For instance, take Pallav Cocker.  Lara could go out and get a nice new haircut, a new dress, new shoes, a tan, an eyebrow job, and new perfume and the most Pallav would say (and that was if he was lucky) would be “is something different with you today?”  But, for instance, if Lara were to gain a few pounds, forget to wear makeup, or put her shirt on inside out he’d notice immediately and make some terribly inappropriate comment.  Now it is not as if Pallav, or any other man for that matter, is intentionally attempting to sabotage his chances of sex with a beautiful woman, it just happens.  They can’t help it.  As we will soon see.

So after waking up early, getting gas in the pouring rain, and letting herself into Pallav’s house Lara was not in the best of moods.  She was cold, wet, tired, and in need of some TLC.  Sadly Pallav was not in the best state to receive her.

He was, in fact, passed out stone cold on the sofa with a bottle of tequila still in his limp grip.  And while he was too drunk to properly greet Lara, offer her breakfast, or even a cup of coffee, he did manage to say one thing to her.

And that was, “Lara?  Your shirt’s on inside out.”

And then he passed out and Lara went to the bathroom and switched his aftershave with ammonia.


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