May 29 2011

MCW: ITAAOAP 1.8

It should be noted, that when Lara returned home from her rather unpleasant visit with her boyfriend, that her mother was waiting in the kitchen tapping the table with her long, ghastly fingernails.  ”Where,” she said shrilly, “on earth,” she emphasized each word with a fingernail tap, “have you been?”

Lara, not being in the mood to talk to her mother, or try to impress her or explain anything to her, simply shrugged her shoulders and left the room.  Her mother could be heard making loud annoyed gasping noises in the kitchen for the next half-hour, but Lara simply did not have the energy to deal with it.

“Why are mothers so damn horrible?”  She asked her reflection in the mirror.

Her reflection, being much smarter than she was, knew that mothers were horrible simply because they lived on the planet earth.  On most other planets in the universe it is a well-known fact that mothers, in general, are completely mad creatures.  Instead of this madness being repressed it is instead celebrated with a weeklong feast called Mad Mad Mother don’t be Mad About the Carpet Fire.  The mothers on these planets feel so appreciated that their madness, in fact, decreases for the rest of the year.  Sometimes, depending on the alignment of the planets, the mothers get a little more mad than usual, and then, quite sensibly, another week of feasting is added.  If this fails to appease the madness of the mothers everyone on the planet agrees that a nice long vacation is in order during which time the mothers can roam free, gossiping and snooping at will and generally nagging every tree, rock, and bug they come across.

Sadly Lara’s reflection couldn’t tell her any of this because Lara was too stupid to realize that if you only activated your mirror properly your reflection could converse freely with you.

So Lara was moping away in her bedroom, much like an annoyingly angst-filled teen that just won’t turn their music down.  At the exact same time the man named Rune was on his way for a collision course with the planet earth.  And, consequently, at the exact same time the Vogans were lining up their special weapon to attack earth.  It could be noted, that at the precise same time, Rhett was enjoying some alone time with the most beautiful woman on his planet.  That’s not really important to know, but it is rather interesting and lends some form of excitement to this part of the story.

Rune, having SSS was pretty much doomed to be blown up with the planet earth.  Lara, having such bad luck with her mother and boyfriend, felt like being blown up at that moment.  Sadly for both of them, neither was put out of their misery.  It really would have been much easier and nicer for them both to die, but the universe is not a kind thing and it wasn’t done having laughs at their expense.

Rune attempted to carefully maneuver his space cruiser onto the surface of the planet earth without being detected.  Instead he managed to call up the geeks at NASA and inform them of his flight pattern.  He also managed to tell them he was an alien from a different planet, but there was no need to worry because he was just following the orders of a rock.  Naturally NASA assumed one of their spacemen had gotten the “Spacies” (A little known disease in which spacemen think that the moon can talk.)  They sent a white van and a straight jacket to pick him up.

Now, also thanks to Rune’s SSS he actually gave NASA the incorrect flight path (though he was trying to give them the right one so this can’t be seen as something he did right) and thus he did not have to go to a mental institute on a planet that was about to explode.  A very happy mistake this was for him.  A second happy mistake (and you will find out why a man with SSS was afforded two happy mistakes in a moment so just hold your protests for a moment and keep those cuss words to yourself.) was that he ended up landing right outside Lara Franklin’s window.

Lara Franklin, thinking she had finally lost her marbles on account of her mother (her psychologist had been telling her it was bound to happen sooner or later), did not find the sight of a space cruiser with the words The Golly Golly Frump Jumper painted in bright neon pink on the outside was odd at all.  In fact, she welcomed the sight and started laughing maniacally to herself.  It felt good to know she was finally insane.

It would have done her a world of good if she had her towel with her at that moment, but being a complete dunce, she did not.  The reason she could have used her towel (other than for the obvious reason that you should always have your towel) was to cover her hand and break her window open because in exactly two seconds a warning would be issued about the destruction of earth.

As it was, when the warning was issued, the space cruiser opened its doors and a strange man descended the ramp.  He caught sight of her, jumped back in surprise, and then looked about him like a fool.  He honestly looked like a stupid lost duck trying to find the pond it was already swimming in.  Then he seemed to realize what was going on and ran back up his ramp.

Lara wasted no time.  She ran, full speed, at her window and crashed through it (cutting herself in the process… a towel, ladies and gentlemen, I cannot stress this enough, a towel!) and followed the strange, lost duck man up his ramp.  She managed to jump into the main chamber of the ship just as the ramp slammed shut and then she was thrust back against the wall as it sprung into motion.

The man named Rune punched and punched the “turbo, oopsie, mistake, escape” button until it asked him, not so kindly to “Stop pressing the button, you giant piece of Fung-Turd!”  The ship, sensing some other force other than SSS, did in fact spring to life and into turbo escape mode at the last possible moment it could have before it was destroyed with the earth.

Rune sat back, shaking and sweating and wondering how he of all people managed to escape.

Then he looked down at the rock in his possession and noticed the tiny note scrawled on top: “Make sure you bring the rock back, you asshole, or I will slit your throat.  Love Rhett.”

Obviously this rock had some way of making his brother even more successful or wonderful.  The only agent to counteract the dooming effects on the younger son of SSS is the much more powerful force of getting the first brother ahead.  The rock’s ability to get Rhett ahead was much stronger than Rune’s tendencies to fail, mess up, and basically die.

It was Rune’s turn to laugh maniacally because not only had a rock saved his life, he had absolutely no idea where the “turbo, oopsie, mistake, escape” button was taking him.

Now, you may think “Oh how terribly awfully awful the earth just got blown up!”  and while there are sad aspects to losing a planet, there are definite plusses.  Let’s remember, shall we, that Lara’s mother got blown up with the planet earth.  Let’s also remember that those terrible kids the Disney Corporation makes in their secret lab also got blown up.   Let’s also remember, shall we, that now when you are trying to get from work on planet Teliyardle to home on planet Redoples 3 it will only take you 2 minutes instead of 10 and you get a lovely view of Vinerfloy and Cinnertalied 44 thanks to the fact that the earth is no longer in your way.  Really when you think of these things, the loss of a planet is not so sad after all.

So on that happy note, to be continued….

Also, just a friendly reminder to get your towel.  You’ll need it.

“Listen.  It’s a tough universe.  There’s all sorts of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, everything.  If you’re going to survive out there, you’ve really got to know where your towel is.” –Ford Prefect, in Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.


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