Oct 18 2011

MCW: ITAAOAP 2.1

You know about space trains right?  They are wholly uninteresting affairs that go whizzing from one planet to another carrying all those souls who are so unfortunate as to not own their own spacecraft.  That means they are full mostly of shabby, dull, boring, angry beings who write nasty things on the walls like “I hope your mother ate a Glucofuster!”

If you don’t know what a Glucofuster is you’d better not ask anyone.  It is a horribly horrible word and should not be uttered, even if only to ask what it means.

So space trains really are quite pathetic.  The only redeeming factor about a space train is the horn.  They have such wonderful horns that sing such lovely songs that blare out into the universe at top volume.  The stars have been known to, on occasion, wear their earmuffs when a space train is passing by just to deafen the noise, they are that loud.  But the rest of space’s inhabitants quite enjoy a good loud train honk.

Why all this nonsense about space trains you ask?  What about Lara and Rune and Rhett Blat you ask?  You think I forgot all about them, don’t you?  Well, if you continue to have such little faith in my narration skills I will have to write something truly nasty into existence for you.  You wouldn’t like that would you?  I could write that you stub your toe, or get a nose bleed, or get dumped!  So just watch yourself and show a bit more gratefulness or you might find a whole bunch of calamities just waiting for you.

I bring up the trains, you see, because the noise that saves Lara and Rune just so happens to be that of a space train horn.  In case you forgot, which you probably did, we left them last in suspended animation, with Rune attempting to stop Lara from disabling the thrust of his spacecraft.  So let’s get back to them, shall we?

Right… and three, two one…

Lara had her hand poised above the large red button labelled “DO NOT PUSH” and Rune was running for his life (quite literally) to stop her.  Her hand was inching closer and closer by the second, and her face had a rather stupid, gleeful, mad look to it.  Rune’s face looked white and green and he was very nearly throwing up his breakfast.

“Stop, you stupid woman, stop!”  Rune called out.

Lara just laughed maniacally and continued her pursuit of the button.  She was simply sure that she had gone off the deep end and was in a strange psychotic hallucination.  Pushing a red button that said “DO NOT PUSH” seemed like a great idea.

Just before she managed to deploy the button the most unusual sound blared suddenly in her ear and caused her to pause.  It was the sound of a loud horn singing the tune of “Baby it’s Cold Outside”.  Rune, too heard the tone, but it did not give him any pause as he’d been hearing space train horns all his life.  Instead he lunged at Lara and toppled her to the ground with a loud thud.

Now, you’re probably thinking “Oh how cute, now they’re going to be all awkward and stare into each other’s eyes and thus begins their love affair.”  But there you are entirely wrong!

For at that exact moment Rune’s ship was pulled suddenly by the tractor beam of Blat’s ship and the extra momentum caused him to land much harder than he expected, thereby pretty much flattening Lara completely.  The resulting impact meant that Lara was knocked unconscious and it was only then that she finally realized she was still completely sane.  She was rather upset by this revelation because that meant that she was stuck on a spaceship with a klutz of a man who wore a towel around his neck.  That was her last thought before the peace of a concussion took her.

Rune swore loudly and profusely using every word he could think of and then ran back to his controls.  ”Computer, what the hell is happening?”

The computer, having not forgiven him for his earlier insolence simply refused to answer.  Instead, it posted an image of a rather rude gesture.

It was Blat’s turn to laugh maniacally as he prepared himself to board the ship he now had in his grasp.  It was perhaps his favourite part of being a pirate other than the towels – his entrance.  It was so much fun to board a ship with pirate-y ire and scary words and brandish a sword about as if he knew how to use it.

When The Golly Golly Frump Jumper was near enough Blat attached his own ship to it and boarded it by means of a very ingenious device called a Tube-U-Porter. The Tube-U-Porter was, as the name suggests, a tube.  But a special tube that stretches from one ship, attaches itself to another, and creates a doorway in any previously solid wall, the practical upshot of which is that if you are a fierce towel pirate like Blat you can board any ship you want to in any way you want to.

Blat took advantage of this fact and attached his Tube-U-Porter to the main cabin of The Golly Golly Frump Jumper.  He slid down the tube (allowing himself a rather giddy girlish “whee!” on the way down) and did a somersault through the air, thrashing his mighty pirate sword and landing with a very hearty and gruff, “YAR!”

“I’m here to steal yer towels, matey, and if you try to stop me I’ll cut you from nose to toes!”  He brandished his sword again and looked to see the effect his scary pirate moves were having.  Sadly for Blat, however, there was no one in the main cabin.  He sighed deeply and said, “Now where the toodlefrists is the owner of this ship?” (Toodlefrists being quite the nastiest word Blat could think of at that moment, even though it only rates as about a six on the Yuiloploh Chart of Nasty Words To Use in Zero Space)

Quite curiously at the same moment there was a different person on Blat’s ship at that exact moment wondering just where he was.  But we’ll have to get to that next time.

To be continued…


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